Incurable

Incurable. That is a stark and startling word, and not one that sits well in the mouth. I remember distinctly when my Pediatrician uttered it that fateful day eighteen years ago. I have an incurable disease. None of this will ever go away. I can make it better, or worse, but I can never be rid of it.

Diabetes, however, unlike some incurable disorders, is livable. I can make something of my life in spite of this ailment. It is not a death sentence, just a strange and sometimes crippling arrangement of life. Yet this very same meddlesome ailment has cured me of many problems that regular, healthy people face daily. The irony is beautiful.

Fear:

It strikes us all and comes in myriad forms, but I believe that I have less fear than most regarding health and well-being because of my disorder. We all have the “what if” in the back of our minds: What if I am in an accident? Become disabled? Get cancer? The idea of having to handle any such life-altering episode is frightening, but I have been there and have done that. Sure, I am scared of the many negatives that may befall me–I am not immune to fear, but having lived through one calamitous event and having picked myself up and succeeded, I am confident that can handle whatever will be. This could be a false sense of confidence, and I truly do not want to find out, but in my gut I know I am right.

Self-Doubt:

I know myself inside and out, am more attuned to my workings than the average person, possibly even the most elite of athletes. I pay attention to what goes in, what comes out and everything in between. Simply, I monitor in a manner few can conceive. Because of this, I am cognizant of the most subtle of signs, and know when a cold is coming, that I am truly fatigued and not lazy, that I need to test my glucose, for either a high or low. I do not doubt myself, there’s no second guessing, because there is no reason to. My instincts are fine-tuned from a lifetime of careful observation and it would be unwise of me not to heed them.

Strength:

Diabetes has made me both literally and figuratively strong. I use exercise to keep this disease in check, and almost two decades of weight lifting and cardio have made me fit. Without the impetus of this disease and the motivation of tight glucose results, I may never have cared so much about athletics and training. I could easily have slid into the segment of our population that never work out. What a weak and unhealthy place that would be, and not just in the physical realm. Tighter control and physical strength produce fortitude. My workouts are demanding, but I push through. Diabetes management is taxing, yet I persevere. I doubt my mental discipline would be as tough if I did not have to strengthen it daily because of this disease.

It boils down to the classic scenario of the optimist, the pessimist and the glass. I choose to visualize diabetes in my life not as something that holds me down, but rather makes me stand up. This perspective is paramount, because until the word “incurable” is lifted, it is the only panacea I have.